My bad break up with cigarettes…

I’ve been smoking since I was way too young to be doing so. Despite the efforts of my parents, I continued the habit throughout my teenage years. No matter how many times they yelled at me or grounded me, my stupid ass just kept at it. To this day I’m not 100% sure as to why… I was one of the first people in my group of friends to start smoking (with the exception of the girl I first tried it with) so it wasn’t to “fit in.” Maybe I just liked that it made me feel older. I don’t really know.

15 year old idiot smoker!

Honestly, it took me longer than I would like to admit to quit smoking after I found out that I was pregnant. I had more “Last cigarettes” or “Just a few drags” than iI had hoped. I always thought it’d be easy to quit with the extra motivation of a baby growing inside of me… Initially, I honestly would have to remind myself “Hey, you’re pregnant, you can’t be doing that shit!” I know, I know, sounds weird… The concept of  having a child took me awhile to wrap my head around. I always hear people say “How could people think it is so hard to quit? Especially after finding out they have a baby growing inside of them?” The answer may be different for everyone, but for me, it honestly felt like I was ending a long, toxic relationship. To me, cigarettes weren’t just something I enjoyed, or something to break up the monotony of a boring day, they became a dear friend; always there when I needed them, always eager to calm my nerves, never made me feel sad or angry… I could go on about the ways my attachment to cigarettes grew.

When I quit smoking, it was honestly like going through a bad break up. It was so much more than “Just a habit.” It was more than something I was “used to.” I honestly didn’t really care that they affected my health until I got pregnant… I liked smoking, no I LOVED smoking. It was like that relationship I had at one point in my life with that bad boy I knew I shouldn’t be with…

He was sexy, he was fun, he was just the right amount of dangerous; I absolutely couldn’t get enough of him, even though I knew he would break my heart, it was just a matter of tiime… At one point I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Getting away from him was unbelievably hard. Even after he cheated on me and broke my heart, I barely escaped his clenches by the skin on my ass. For months after we were done, my thoughts were still enthralled by him. I couldn’t get him out of my head. The fact that he kept contacting me didn’t help either… It has been very much this way with cigarettes.

Nicotine was my mistress… And a cruel one she was, at that.

Though I know that my son and I are better off without them, I miss them like I miss a dear friend. The adjustment has been rough. I’ve been smoking for more than half of my life. I feel as though it was a part of me… I can count the times on one hand that I have said out loud “I need my mom” in my adult life, I’ve said “I need a cigarette” more times that I can count. Now, of course no one ever actually needs cigarette, of course I know it was the addiction talking, but  to have felt that for something for so long, and no longer have it almost makes me feel empty sometimes… I feel like I’m in a “mourning period” so to speak, even still. It’s a similar let down to wanting to call or see a loved one, only to realize you can’t… I want to get over it, I do not want to backslide into smoking again after I have my son!

Me on the left… 

EVERYWHERE I go, people are smoking, there is no escape, I think that is the hardest part. I won’t truly feel like an ex-smoker until I can sit next to someone smoking a cigarette and have no want for it.
We’ve all seen the old cartoon routine, where the lady leaves a pie on the window and the scent wafts out and forms fingers, seductively enticing someone to come take it… That’s how I feel when I smell cigarette smoke. Most pregnant women seem to get sick from the smell, I’ve had no such luck unfortunately. It’s like when you smell a certain cologne, and all of a sudden memories of your high school sweetheart flood your brain. You kinda miss them for a second, and then it’s gone and you come to your senses. It has been an uphill battle, but one I am determined to win!

Oh, sweet nicotine, we cannot be… I love you, and you kill me.

Oh, sweet nicotine, we cannot be… I love you, and you kill me.