Her little Angel…

My mind has always wandered. It’s something I’ve found to be unavoidable over the years… I’ve noticed that this trait has worsened the farther I progress into my pregnancy. This can sometimes be enjoyable, and can sometimes (especially in such a hormonal state) bring me to tears… My imagination gets the best of me sometimes.

I met her on a rainy November afternoon. I had originally found her on a buy/sell/trade page on Facebook. Being a first time mom on a budget, who was raised by an amazing bargain hunter, I was looking for stuff on the cheap, and she had the best deal in town. I was originally just going to purchase a swing and a bouncer for a total of $20, but she had offered to throw in “a few other things” for free. After Google took my husband and I on a frustrating route, we finally managed to find the address she provided. It was in a relatively decent looking mobile home community, tucked away behind the townhomes and nice apartment buildings near Hill Airforce Base. We drove past it three times because we didn’t even notice it was there.

A tired woman in sweat pants and a grey-ing shirt greets us on the porch, with two small dogs on her heels. She shows me the perfectly functioning bouncer and swing, and indicates to a bag sitting by them full of baby boy clothes. As we start loading these items into our car, she comes out with another big bag of clothes, and then a trash bag full of diapers, and two more boxes with brand new bottles, more clothes, blankets, and swaddlers galore, along with a brand new box of size 1 diapers. I gave her and extra $10. I wish I had more, but it was all I could afford, and she was quite generous with her “few extra things” she had thrown in. She then showed me a lot of pretty much brand new things she had and didn’t need anymore, or hadn’t needed at all. Alas, I was out of cash. She has since been in touch with me, trying to sell me more of it, even offering to give me some of it for free. It honestly just seemed like she wanted to get rid of it. After we left, the more and more I thought about it, I realized that she seemed sad. I can generally pick up on people’s energy pretty well, but in the excitement of making my first “official” baby purchase, I didn’t really think about it. For a moment, I wondered if something had happened to her son, she just seemed to want all of his old stuff gone, by any means… The thought went to the back of my mind, where it stayed until recently.

Living in our small apartment, we didn’t really have room for all of our baby stuff, so the majority has been sitting in the back of our car since November. I finally had the chance (and space) to pull a lot of it out and go through it. For a moment, I had forgotten how much stuff she had given me. As I went through I noticed a lot of clothes that seemed too small for even a new born. I looked at the sizes on some of them, and they were, in fact, for a premature baby. Initially I couldn’t get over how cute and tiny they were, I set them aside, hoping that I won’t end up needing any of them, and continued to look through the clothing. As I made my way through the bags of clothes, my mind wandered back to that thought… If he was premature, what if something had happened to her son?? A lot of the things she never needed were things that you need for just about every baby… The thought filled me with sadness. I finally made it to the second box, which had clothing, swaddlers, a brand new box of bottles, along with other bits and bobs needed for a baby… and I couldn’t help buy cry. A lot of the items still had tags on them, and were very nice brand name clothes… They were ranged in the 6 month size. One of the boxes of things that she said she “never needed.” I really hate that I had the thought. I couldn’t imagine… It would explain why she wanted to get rid of everything for pretty much nothing. I’ve known people who just gave away everything after losing a loved one, simply because it hurt too much to see it every day…

This is where I decide to get creepy. I went through my Facebook inbox and find her profile. I’m not usually so nosey, but I HAD to know… Fortunately for me, her profile wasn’t set to private so I was able to see the majority of her posts. I went full blown stalker status for a good ten minutes, scrolling through her timeline, looking for some clue. I had gone clear back to August of 2014, and I noticed it had gone from consistent posts about her boy to just nothing. No mention of him whatsoever. He was still set as her profile picture, such a cute little sweetheart, big brown eyes, little blond wispy curls on his head, round rosey cheeks…

Now, I realize that going that far back, it doesn’t show every single post, but for them to just stop?? I had seen posts about her boyfriend calling it quits, about her moving back in with her mother, about how she was going to be single on valentines day, but nothing about her son. Needless to say, though there was no clear conclusion, and I’ve been left with more questions than answers; I still can’t help but think the worst. It’s really none of my business, but as a mother to be, I can’t help but feel extra sad for her. My boy is still in my belly and I couldn’t imagine what I would do if something ever happened to him.

My heart goes out to the people who have lost their children, especially the mothers. Feeling life inside of you is such a wonderful thing, it creates such a bond. To literally have a life depending on you is a pretty crazy wonderful thing, and for that life to just be gone one day would be unbearable… It really has made me appreciate what I have so much more. A beautiful boy on the way, a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what, a loving family… For that to all just be ripped away, I couldn’t even imagine…

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